Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
According to math, I’m broke
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”