My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit