I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.