Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
What my back needs
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.