Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
You Might Also Like
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Respect
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist