Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Is….Is this an option?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen