Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
May have had one breakfast too many
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.