It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Put this video in the Louvre
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*