My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
When you let grandma cat sit
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible