Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
#polloftheday
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that