She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Terribly Tuesday.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.