My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Forever 21… pounds overweight
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice