me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
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this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Cha-ching is my safe word