I have a place for everything. The floor.
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.