Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.