*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit