To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Cake!!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me too
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.