I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues