me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense