Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.