saving face 👀
You Might Also Like
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
want me to check your oil?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.