Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.