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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.