glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.