me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.