“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
spot the difference
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.