Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Life hack
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.