Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it