My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Just a bush.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted