Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
i wish i could marry a nap
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON