Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”