I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.