Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.