When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
liiiiiiiiike
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)