If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
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pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.