*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.