Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
You Might Also Like
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.