Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.