Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
only 11 steps left
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur