When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
You Might Also Like
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
How to woo a woman
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.