Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog