“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
why would tinder want me to say this
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
When your best mate counts as a desk too
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
It’s an epidemic…
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.