My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
He took my last fry, your honor
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
found my next D&D character name
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun