why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
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did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
what the
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
fly smarter, not harder
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.