My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.