Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
You Might Also Like
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Good morning!
birds and squirrels envy us
Think I pulled my liver
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
smartest karate player in the world
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*