Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost