My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
can’t talk my ride’s here
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.