My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?