*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
opening twitter today
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Breaking news:
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A little too much information.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE