I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.